Losing My Religion: An Exploration of Agnosticism
It's not a secret that I'm not religious. Don't get me wrong; it's not like I walk around looking for excuses to bring it up in unrelated conversation, but when it comes up, I don't shy away from talking about my beliefs. I'm not ashamed to be agnostic. In fact, it's the opposite, I'm proud to say I have my own opinions regardless of external pressure and shaming from other people in my life.
I think religion is cool if it works for you. For people who seek to understand what is unfair and difficult in life, religion can be a pivotal backbone. If it brings you comfort, more power to you. I'm a firm believer that your life is your own damn business, and no one else should ever seek to take that freedom from you.
I've been sitting with the idea of writing this for a long time. I was hesitant because I felt like some people might read this and judge me or my parents. Then, I realized that I was given a voice and it's my job to use it when I feel inclined. This overwhelming urge to speak out has led me to sit down and type this out. If you're one of those readers who will feel inclined to try and convert me, I'd rather you not. Respectfully, I'm gonna ask that you keep it to yourself. I've had more than enough people shove the Bible at me, so don't bother. This is my medium, and I should have the opportunity to put my thoughts out there.
A lot of people struggled to understand why I stopped believing in God. Many in my family believed it was an overnight thing, something that occurred quickly, rather than something that had been brewing since I learned how to talk.
I was raised in the church to two (and later three) fiercely devoted parents. My family is full of believers, full of people who want to shout faith from the rooftops. I have no issue with this, but what I do have a problem with is the fact that I never felt like I was allowed to disagree. From the minute I could comprehend who "God" was, I was taught that His existence was the only possible conclusion to draw and that anyone who didn't believe was a sinner on the fast track to hell.
So, from the moment I was a little kid, I had it instilled in me that people who weren't Christian were bad people. It's not like my family members outright said this to me, but when you're a child, a complex understanding of something isn't a thing you acquire from the gate. In my mind, God equaled good, and no God equaled bad. It was an oversimplification of the idea, but it definitely screwed with my thinking, especially because I quickly found there were plenty of good people who weren't Christian. How could that be? How could good people exist without religion? It was something I couldn't wrap my head around.
I also didn't understand how all these bad people could exist around me but claim they were Christian. That disconnect also confused me deeply, and now just pisses me off. If someone uses their religion to justify cruelty or condemnation, they're a disgusting human being, and nothing is going to change my mind on that front.
I had always gone to church, but even when I was young, while other people raised their hands in worship, I didn't feel anything. When people bowed their heads to pray, I didn't feel like I was talking to something divine. I didn't buy it. I tried to. I tried really hard to force myself into the mold. In my head, I was more scared of being an outcast in my family than going to hell.
In my quest to find God, I went to church camp (which did nothing to "fix" me in the grand scheme), I participated in fasting, which made me grumpy and hungry, I even got baptized. This was probably the worst part. I convinced myself I would be a real Christian after I was baptized. The disappointment was overwhelming when I came out of the water and concluded that I wasn't cured. In fact, the only thing the experience did was solidify one fact; I don't believe in God. At that point, I wasn't sure I ever did.
I kept up appearances. I continued trying to force that connection with spirituality even after the daunting revelation I experienced after being baptized. I read the Bible, which only made me question religion more, I prayed, which still felt like being a schizophrenic rather than a good Christian, and I tried to talk like I was a believer and not a liar.
Finally, I gave up. I realized that I didn't see the proof. I didn't see the hype. Religion wasn't a comfort to me, it was something that only stirred negative emotions. It was something that made me upset. It was something I rejected.
I don't think there's a God. Until I see concrete evidence in my own life that one exists, that'll probably still be the case. Similarly, until I see concrete evidence that one doesn't exist, it'll still be my belief that no one really knows.
The most frustrating part of all of it is that adults can be so patronizing towards young people finding themselves. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I'm "still young" and still have time to figure out "what's right", I could finance my college education without breaking a sweat. It's aggravating to me that so many Christians in my life have the audacity to tell me that I'm just confused and don't know my own belief system, but turn around and praise children who barely know the alphabet for accepting Christ into their lives. If you can accept a toddler's belief as legitimate, surely mine has merit.
I've been identifying as agnostic for about three years now. I don't know what the future holds. Next month, I could find that Buddhism connects with me, or that Islam answers my questions in a way Christianity never did. Or, I could wake up sixty years from now, still agnostic, still unconvinced that religion will ever have a place in my life. That's my business, my journey, etc. I don't owe a justification to anyone, and what I believe is my concern and mine alone.
If you're reading this and, like me, don't believe in a family of believers, it's okay to own that. It's okay to have your own way of thinking. Don't let other people pressure you, and don't force yourself into a toxic train of thought just to make other people happy. It's a waste of your time, and you've only got one life. Don't spend it miserable.
If you're reading this and, like my parents, have a child who isn't religious, let them be. Let your kid find out who they are on their own. Don't be angry with them, don't try to force them into your mold. Love them as you always have and give them room to grow. There is nothing wrong with not being religious, it just means someone it living their life in the way they perceive to be most authentic to who they are.
Thank you for your time, thank you for listening.
I think religion is cool if it works for you. For people who seek to understand what is unfair and difficult in life, religion can be a pivotal backbone. If it brings you comfort, more power to you. I'm a firm believer that your life is your own damn business, and no one else should ever seek to take that freedom from you.
I've been sitting with the idea of writing this for a long time. I was hesitant because I felt like some people might read this and judge me or my parents. Then, I realized that I was given a voice and it's my job to use it when I feel inclined. This overwhelming urge to speak out has led me to sit down and type this out. If you're one of those readers who will feel inclined to try and convert me, I'd rather you not. Respectfully, I'm gonna ask that you keep it to yourself. I've had more than enough people shove the Bible at me, so don't bother. This is my medium, and I should have the opportunity to put my thoughts out there.
A lot of people struggled to understand why I stopped believing in God. Many in my family believed it was an overnight thing, something that occurred quickly, rather than something that had been brewing since I learned how to talk.
I was raised in the church to two (and later three) fiercely devoted parents. My family is full of believers, full of people who want to shout faith from the rooftops. I have no issue with this, but what I do have a problem with is the fact that I never felt like I was allowed to disagree. From the minute I could comprehend who "God" was, I was taught that His existence was the only possible conclusion to draw and that anyone who didn't believe was a sinner on the fast track to hell.
So, from the moment I was a little kid, I had it instilled in me that people who weren't Christian were bad people. It's not like my family members outright said this to me, but when you're a child, a complex understanding of something isn't a thing you acquire from the gate. In my mind, God equaled good, and no God equaled bad. It was an oversimplification of the idea, but it definitely screwed with my thinking, especially because I quickly found there were plenty of good people who weren't Christian. How could that be? How could good people exist without religion? It was something I couldn't wrap my head around.
I also didn't understand how all these bad people could exist around me but claim they were Christian. That disconnect also confused me deeply, and now just pisses me off. If someone uses their religion to justify cruelty or condemnation, they're a disgusting human being, and nothing is going to change my mind on that front.
I had always gone to church, but even when I was young, while other people raised their hands in worship, I didn't feel anything. When people bowed their heads to pray, I didn't feel like I was talking to something divine. I didn't buy it. I tried to. I tried really hard to force myself into the mold. In my head, I was more scared of being an outcast in my family than going to hell.
In my quest to find God, I went to church camp (which did nothing to "fix" me in the grand scheme), I participated in fasting, which made me grumpy and hungry, I even got baptized. This was probably the worst part. I convinced myself I would be a real Christian after I was baptized. The disappointment was overwhelming when I came out of the water and concluded that I wasn't cured. In fact, the only thing the experience did was solidify one fact; I don't believe in God. At that point, I wasn't sure I ever did.
I kept up appearances. I continued trying to force that connection with spirituality even after the daunting revelation I experienced after being baptized. I read the Bible, which only made me question religion more, I prayed, which still felt like being a schizophrenic rather than a good Christian, and I tried to talk like I was a believer and not a liar.
Finally, I gave up. I realized that I didn't see the proof. I didn't see the hype. Religion wasn't a comfort to me, it was something that only stirred negative emotions. It was something that made me upset. It was something I rejected.
I don't think there's a God. Until I see concrete evidence in my own life that one exists, that'll probably still be the case. Similarly, until I see concrete evidence that one doesn't exist, it'll still be my belief that no one really knows.
The most frustrating part of all of it is that adults can be so patronizing towards young people finding themselves. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I'm "still young" and still have time to figure out "what's right", I could finance my college education without breaking a sweat. It's aggravating to me that so many Christians in my life have the audacity to tell me that I'm just confused and don't know my own belief system, but turn around and praise children who barely know the alphabet for accepting Christ into their lives. If you can accept a toddler's belief as legitimate, surely mine has merit.
I've been identifying as agnostic for about three years now. I don't know what the future holds. Next month, I could find that Buddhism connects with me, or that Islam answers my questions in a way Christianity never did. Or, I could wake up sixty years from now, still agnostic, still unconvinced that religion will ever have a place in my life. That's my business, my journey, etc. I don't owe a justification to anyone, and what I believe is my concern and mine alone.
If you're reading this and, like me, don't believe in a family of believers, it's okay to own that. It's okay to have your own way of thinking. Don't let other people pressure you, and don't force yourself into a toxic train of thought just to make other people happy. It's a waste of your time, and you've only got one life. Don't spend it miserable.
If you're reading this and, like my parents, have a child who isn't religious, let them be. Let your kid find out who they are on their own. Don't be angry with them, don't try to force them into your mold. Love them as you always have and give them room to grow. There is nothing wrong with not being religious, it just means someone it living their life in the way they perceive to be most authentic to who they are.
Thank you for your time, thank you for listening.
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